My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
