laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize