I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
