Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
