thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
