You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
