I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
