hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
