Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
