i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
