Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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