some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
