Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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