If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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