handjob tips. give me some.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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