to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
