remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
