After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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