have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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