ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
