I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
