cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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