how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i drank out of a bidet.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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