Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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