Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
We need a shit load of segways right now
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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