The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize