If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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