glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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