i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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