Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
