There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Randomize
