I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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