Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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