You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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