I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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