This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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