I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
