My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
