In America we eat man semen.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
