Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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