I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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