My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Randomize
