I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
