somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
the liver wants what the liver wants
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
