I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
