Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
