I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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