I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
