I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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