He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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