I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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