Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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