Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
