So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
