Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
This toilet bowl is my home.
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