Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
