I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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