We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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