new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
My life is pants optional.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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