also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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