You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
