Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I think my moral compass just broke
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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