dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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