i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
