I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize