you lied. pity sex is amazing.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
